As this time of year rolls around it reminds me of the mother that I no longer have.
Last year I was pregnant for Mother's Day and I don't recall if I got upset that she was gone.
Today Andrew picked Parker up from his moms house on his way home from work. When he got home he had me go out to the car to help him carry in the Mother's Day gifts his mom had for me.
She got me a custom engraved picture frame that says "You are the best mommy in the whole world Love always, Parker"
a couple books to read to Parker
a box that has a plant in it and a spot to put a picture on all four sides
and a beautiful card.
I have been blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law and I am very glad that we mended our differences.
These gifts, however, sparked something in me... I was already coming down from the high of an exciting day, I'm not sure why but I was starting to feel depressed.
Now I am thinking about the mom that I no longer have. I am lost for words, I know that I am very sad, but I am not sure how to articulate exactly why, other than the fact that she is gone.
I wish she could have met Parker, she would have loved him oh so much.
I wish she could be here to share my first Mother's Day.
I just hope she knew how much I loved her, because I loved her so much.
I am lucky enough that when she died we were on wonderful terms, and the last thing I did was give her a kiss.
I chose to have her cremated so I don't have a grave I can go visit, instead she sits on a shelf in my living room next to the fireplace. Having her here everyday makes it easy to forget that she is there.
I say this lightly because I don't believe that she is in her ashes, or that she is even in heaven or anything other than just gone. I think as a "non-believer" it makes it harder on me because I don't have the comfort of knowing I will see her again one day, she left me almost two years ago and I will only have memories.
It is a constant struggle learning to live without a mom
as I am learning how to be one at the same time.
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