Graduation

After 5 1/2 long years I am finally graduating college! It's an accomplishment for sure, but I am struggling to feel happy about it. First of all I feel like it was a waste of time and money, I have no plans of finding a job or continuing my education any time soon. I want to focus on raising my family. 

The second and heartbreaking problem is who to invite to the ceremony. I have 10 tickets, "only 10?" Some might say, yeah I expected it would be difficult to cut people in order to only pick 10 people. This is not the case. Not having mom around is what I think is the hardest for me, and because she will not be there to watch me walk I want to have lots of others be there to support me. I will have my fiancée and son (he does not count as a ticket), my dad and step mom, two uncles and one of their wives. For my family, that's all there is. I will also invite my fiancées mom because we have grown pretty close. I want my grandma to be able come but she has to fly my great grandpa down to Florida for the winter. Her not being here makes me pretty sad, I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her but she is the only grandma I have left. The other person I would really love to come is my best friend, she however is due to have her baby 8 days beforehand and I don't blame her for not wanting to a) take a newborn out in the cold or b) leave her newborn for a few hours. It's sad that she won't be able to be there for me, but I don't blame her for it. 

The fact that I am struggling to fill 10 seats makes my heart sad. 

The way I am feeling about it right now, I don't think it should be solely on me to spread the news that I am graduating via announcements. Not only do we not have extra money for them, most graduates' parents buy them and send them out. Not me, I just forked up $130 for 25 announcements that I really could care less about. I just don't feel like its anything special to celebrate, and now I have to figure out what 25 households I am going to send them too. Woohoo that sounds like a day I will need a double shot of cherry vodka in my coke zero. 

The point I suppose is that I wish my mom was here, and because she is not I wish the people I do have were closer and more supportive.

It's a strange phenomenon that everyone around me forgets that she is gone, it's been over two years and she has faded to everyone else. But her absence is just as fresh today as it was two years ago. People forget that I don't have that one big supporter in my life anymore. But I guess no one is obligated to step up and provide the extra support that I need. 

Sorry it's been so long since I have posted. To say I have been keeping myself busy would be an understatement. Thanks for anyone that still reads my blog. 

I am Entitled!

So this entry does not directly pertain to not having my mom around but I need to write to feel better or vent. 

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I love being a mom, I love taking care of Parker. I assume most moms can relate to this, but feeling this way does make me feel guilty...but I just want to not have to be mom tomorrow. I don't mean not be with him, I just don't want to have to do the "work" part. I will gladly do the tickles and hugs and kisses, I would just like to not have to do the diapers and the bottles and all the not fun parts.

So I told Andrew this and he basically said hell no. He asked why I felt I was entitled to a day off. 

This is the vent part, please excuse the anger and frustration. 

Why do I feel entitled to a day off?!!?? Are you freaking kidding me? He works from dark to dark Monday through Friday, when he gets home he does not have to do anything. 

I have one online class this semester and an internship. The internship is on Tuesdays and Fridays, the class for that is Wednesdays. On top of that I work Saturdays. So I get Mondays, most of Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays "off". What do I do after I get home? Work. What do I do on my days off? Work. By work I mean take care of Parker, try to keep up with house work, do homework, and try to learn how to make a living online. Sounds easy right (haha) well to him it does...

So he gets weekends off right, I love that he has Saturdays alone with Parker while I am at work. However, for some reason he doesn't need to do what I do around the house while I am with Parker. I really really think that he believes fairies keep the house clean. What does he do after work? Eats the dinner I made, and goes to bed. What does he do on his days off?play with Parker, sleep, watch tv, and when I am lucky he will do one or two things that I ask him to. 

So back to the original question: why do I feel entitled to have a day "off" from changing diapers and making bottles? Because 95% of my life is dedicated to changing diapers and making bottles, which is not this horrible task that I detest, I just want one day off, the day that is dedicated to that exact thing; Mother's Day.

It honestly feels like we are stuck in the stereotypical roles and that I am expected to do all of the house work and baby raising (and everything else that i do outside the house) and he only has to go to work. 

I feel that I shouldn't have to ask for a day off tomorrow. And I especially feel that after I did ask that he should have agreed with me, not fought it. I want to be appreciated for all that I do. I want him to acknowledge all that I do for him and Parker. I know that his point of view is that I don't appreciate that he has an hour commute both ways to work and usually works 10 hour days. But I work at the very least 15 hours a day plus all the nighttime stuff (which isn't a whole lot because we were blessed with a pretty good sleeper).

I am entitled to a day off. Because I am a great mom. Because I am a great housekeeper. Because I am a great fiancée. Because I am tired. Because I need a day for me. Because I need a day of ease. Because I want a day of only smiles, play time, and tickles. 

Gifts For Mothers Day

As this time of year rolls around it reminds me of the mother that I no longer have. 

Last year I was pregnant for Mother's Day and I don't recall if I got upset that she was gone. 

Today Andrew picked Parker up from his moms house on his way home from work. When he got home he had me go out to the car to help him carry in the Mother's Day gifts his mom had for me. 

She got me a custom engraved picture frame that says "You are the best mommy in the whole world Love always, Parker"

a couple books to read to Parker

a box that has a plant in it and a spot to put a picture on all four sides

and a beautiful card. 

I have been blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law and I am very glad that we mended our differences. 

These gifts, however, sparked something in me... I was already coming down from the high of an exciting day, I'm not sure why but I was starting to feel depressed. 

Now I am thinking about the mom that I no longer have. I am lost for words, I know that I am very sad, but I am not sure how to articulate exactly why, other than the fact that she is gone. 

I wish she could have met Parker, she would have loved him oh so much. 

I wish she could be here to share my first Mother's Day. 

I just hope she knew how much I loved her, because I loved her so much. 

I am lucky enough that when she died we were on wonderful terms, and the last thing I did was give her a kiss. 

I chose to have her cremated so I don't have a grave I can go visit, instead she sits on a shelf in my living room next to the fireplace. Having her here everyday makes it easy to forget that she is there.

I say this lightly because I don't believe that she is in her ashes, or that she is even in heaven or anything other than just gone. I think as a "non-believer" it makes it harder on me because I don't have the comfort of knowing I will see her again one day, she left me almost two years ago and I will only have memories. 

It is a constant struggle learning to live without a mom 

as I am learning how to be one at the same time.