Breastfeeding

Last night Greyson drank his last bag of donated breastmilk. We didn't make it to 2 years like I had really wanted to but we made it to 19 months. 19 months 10 days of no bottles, no formula. Breastmilk and eventually (after a year) we added raw goats milk during the day in a cup. Now he will only drink water and nurse what little I am producing. 

I am so grateful that we stuck it out, the breastfeeding bond is an amazing one that is worth every mile driven to get more milk, every sleepless night of waking to feed, every tear shed that I am just not enough to sustain my baby, the terror when we realized the deep freezer door had been left open and most of the milk had thawed, the constant worry that he might not be gaining enough weight in the beginning. 

Worth. Every. Second. 

He nurses to sleep for his naps, he nurses if he falls and hurts himself, he nurses in the middle of the night (though now it's less and less). I am his comfort in a way I never was with Parker. 

I mourn for the loss of that bond with Parker but I am grateful I have it with Greyson. I do my best to remind myself that it's not my fault and I didn't know then with Parker what I educated myself about before Greyson. But it's still hard and I can't help but wonder if Parker's ear aches would have never happened like Greyson doesn't get them. Or if the cough he tends to get every few months is because he didn't get the immune building benefits of extended breastfeeding. I will never know for sure and I try not to dwell on the past. 

Today I am celebrating the bittersweet victory and ending of feeding Greyson donor breastmilk. I hope that I am able to find as many amazing moms with my future children that I was this time around. I met some amazing women that have donated to us! 

If I counted correctly we received milk from 25 women over the past year and a half! 

A rough estimate of 8,000 ounces or 62.5 gallons of milk! 

I have made friendships that will last a lifetime and I cannot ever thank them enough for their generosity! Pumping milk is not easy, it is stressful and time consuming and the fact that they were willing to give us some of their hard earned liquid gold is so selfless and amazing. 

I am saddened that this era is over, but I am looking forward to possible better nights of sleep, goodness knows my body and mind are in desperate need for it. 

In a perfect world I would wait until Greyson was ready to wean but I was not given a perfect world with boobs that actually work the way they are supposed to so I have to accept it as it is and move on. 

I will continue to research and do everything in my power to balance my hormones, lead a healthy life  and do what I can to reverse the damage that was done during puberty but I also know that I will never be capable of exclusively breastfeeding, and that is disappointing but something I also just have to accept. 

I stuck it out, I walked the hard path, I never gave up, I did what I feel was best for my baby. So hell yeah I'm going to pat myself on the back and snuggle my beautiful baby(not so much :( )boy!